I’ve seen pain on little faces. I’ve known shame that no child of His should know.
God has granted me the privilege of being a mom to twin boys. With that priviledge comes the responsibilty of showing them who God is. While I desperately want to say that I’m portraying His image as our loving parent in a worthy manner, the truth is that I’m failing. The truth is, I’m not the only mom that’s failing and I know other moms who carry this same guilt and shame with them too.
My guilt and shame comes from yelling at my kids, seeing their hurt expressions and having to come before God and ask forgiveness. I’ve never know anything else that could humble me so much and do it so quickly. For some moms, yelling doesn’t seem like a big deal when they do it and for others the temptation to yell just isn’t there. But for those of us who do yell and God has laid a burden on our hearts about it, it’s a tough battle. I was recently reading the parable of the prodical son. Then a few days later I heard the song “Still Calls Me Son.” What a wonderful song. This song gave me an image that I now hold on to and it’s given me great comfort when I blow it and yell at my kids yet again.
I’ve never wondered if God would forgive me time after time for the same sin, like yelling. I know He does. It’s just hard to believe that He isn’t rolling His eyes each time and thinking when will she ever get it. We get these kinds of wrong ideas about God primarily because of our own experience. I want to win the Most Patient Mom of the Year award. I do! But I won’t, at least not until God finishes sculpting me as a mom. I frequently sigh and think to myself that I’ve told these kids this same thing numerous times today already. I know they are learning, but really, can they pick up the pace of learning today! So it’s no wonder I’m hard on myself and I have to fight against bringing that image into my beliefs about God. Like the song says, after where I’ve been should he take me back? I would understand, I’ve disgraced Him. I’ve shown my boys the oposite of God’s role as our loving and patient parent. How many moms out there are just like me, tired, weary and wanting to be a better mom than we are? I think there’s many of us moms just like that. Praise the Lord that some moms will never experience this!
The truth is that God is watching for His own with forgiving eyes. Yes, forgiving eyes and not incredulous, rolling eyes like mine. After hearing the song I mentioned before, I now have a new image that comes to mind when I blow it yet again. So I yell, immediately feel guilty then I stop myself and imagine a whole host of angels, with the most beautiful voices, singing Amazing Grace. Anyone can come before God and confess without condemnation because of His amazing grace. This grace still calls me to a higher standared of parenting my children, like not yelling at them, but it gives the mistakes a place to go when they do happen. This has been a long process of allowing myself grace in mothering and one I’m still continuing on. If you are right there with me, fealing guilty about your mothering, then try to remember that God’s angels are sitting in heaven singing Amazing Grace over you if you know Jesus as your savior. This is an image that has done wonders for me each day. I love it. I have to say that those angels get plenty of choir practice with me as a mom. Amazing Grace How Sweet the Sound to this mom’s ears!