The shape and intensity of our performance comes down to 2 things: expectations and definitions. I have the expectation of myself to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife, and a good mom. Not such bad things, until you understand my own personal, twisted definition of good. Good means I never mess up. Good means I weigh the perfect amount. Good means I can handle everything, I don’t look like a fool, and I never lose my patience. Good means my husband will never be disappointed in me, my kids will always obey, and everyone basically likes me. Good means I am enough. My goodness is all about me. Not only do I want to be a good, I want to be those things in front of God and everyone. I know in my head that my definition of good is wrong, crazy even. Still, left to own resources, that is how I operate.
excerpt from Grace for the Good Girl
This past week has been one of bittersweet realization. Two different twin moms have asked questions about how to do the babywise method with twins. My heart soared when I was able to reach out and give advice to someone who was just like the me of only a few months ago. I was that mom that latched onto babywise because it had rules for me to follow. If there are rules, I can do it and usually do it well, because I am one of those good girls. The only thing was, while I was following the rules down to the letter, my babies were not doing their part. Rest assured, they are not striving to be good boys, they are just babies. I cried, I prayed every three hours before the feedings that my boys would do what they were supposed to do and I worried that I wasn’t doing something right or doing something that was right but at the wrong time. Babywise was a blessing to my organized ways, but I let the rules take over.
Over the past 21 months of being a mom, I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. But God is able to fill in the cracks and smooth over every mistake that I’ve made. My boys will not be ruined from the small mistakes that I’ve made. This past week I’ve begun to daily think about God filling in all those cracks for me, not just for my boys. I am not asked from God to make sure that I’m the perfect good mom so that I bring glory to Him. God certainly doesn’t ask for me to bring glory to my own self as a great mom. I was given my personality. It includes being a good girl, but my focus needs to be on what God is doing. “I” is not in the focus at all. But as the except above states, bein a good girl is how I operate, when left to my own resources. So with the strength of the Holy Spirit, I will be laying down the masks of the good girl mom and just be my boys mom. I know that I’ll pick up the mask at times, but I’ll be reminded of the freedom in laying that mask back down. I pray that by laying aside the good mom, I will be giving my boys the example of relying on God and what it actually looks like to make mistakes, have them known by others, ask for forgiveness and be restored so that the glory goes to the One it belongs to. My I live worthy of my calling as a mom and remember these lessons always.